TW; Medical Trauma, Anorexia
Today I saw the Maxillofacial Consultant after two months of agonising jaw pain which has made me unable to eat, talk, sing or even smile. I have tried various medication over these last two months which have stopped me from driving or even thinking straight due to my already prominent fatigue combined with side effects. I’ve also tried exercises, heat, massage, even cannabis to try and alleviate this pain and yet it is still there. I suffer from Anorexia, and not being able to eat has triggered an awful pattern of thinking once again after five years in recovery which I am terrified of.
My mum and I went into this appointment today full of hope for a ‘next step’ in alleviating this pain - to say it was underwhelming is the biggest understatement I’ve ever made. The consultant asked the usual questions: on a scale of 1-10 how is your pain, what makes it worse, how wide can you open your jaw etc and then felt around which made me cry due to the amount of pain it caused. She told us I needed to wait for a CT scan to ‘rule out anything physical’ - which as we all know if you’re chronically ill, is just a formality. She then said if that comes back clear we will hand you over the pain team to ‘manage’ the pain. Shock horror. Basically, her plan was to fob me off to the pain team for a condition that most definitely does have treatment options, yet she refused to consider.
Now the worst part of the appointment. My mum expressed her concerns about my Anorexia and being unable to eat. The consultant’s first remark was ‘well let’s weigh you, let’s get the scales out’ to which I totally froze. My mum turned to her and said ‘Well let’s ask Ruby if that’s what she wants’ - luckily we had spoken about this last night and I had said I didn’t want to be weighed. The consultant then looked me up and down and said ‘well you don’t look too slim so—‘ to which my mum rightfully interrupted ‘well I’m not sure how much you know about eating disorders, but it’s not actually usually about weight, it’s more about patterns of thinking’.
For the rest of the conversation I totally checked out, I think maybe as a trauma response. Apparently my mum asked if I could be considered for botox to which she was told ‘Well it doesn’t work for everyone’. My mum replied that you could say that about any medical treatment to which the consultant agreed she would talk to their specialist before writing a prescription for two more months of diazepam.
It’s safe to say I haven’t had a hospital appointment that has left me feeling so traumatised and terrified in a while. My Anorexia voice is louder than ever and I am still in agony taking drugs that completely check me out. I’m not sure where to go from here but it’s likely I will once again have to use either mine or my family’s savings to see a private consultant who is more knowledgeable and more considerate.
I have no idea if this makes any sense but I do know that I had to write this encounter down before my brain fumbles it up. THIS is why I have medical trauma. I do not feel safe with this woman handling my care.